Thrive

It hurts to think that it's already November. November was my due date. I don't allow myself to think where I should be right now. That doesn't help. I have to focus on today and the now. There is no point thinking otherwise. I just get sad. I am sort of feeling like "whatever" is my new motto. When I get another visit from aunt flow I just think "whatever". When I have late surprises I think "whatever". When I hear of another announcement I think "whatever". It is strange. It may be my coping mechanism right now. It may be me being so numb and exhausted that I just can't care anymore. I don't know. But it seems to be working. 

My goal for the past while has been to "thrive". I feel like the past three years have just floated past me. I feel like I've sacrificed every ounce of me for something that I just can't control. I honestly don't feel like I've truly lived. It feels like I've just tried to get through each day and that's about it. I'm DONE WITH THIS!!! No more. I can't stand living like this. I hate it. I hate this situation, but I JUST CAN'T CHANGE IT! It is what it is and I'm tired of it controlling my life. I'm tired of trying so hard and failing every time. I'm done. My new plan is to put this aside, and try to find something to allow me to thrive. At dinner last week, I looked my husband in the eyes and told him with so much emotional pain, "Jordan, I just need something". That was the only way to explain it. I need something. I need to work towards and progress at something that I can control. I need to feel fulfillment by something that is actually going my way. I have always known that I want to become a therapist, but just thought becoming a mother was more of a priority. Well since that isn't working out for me, I'm finally pulling the trigger. It feels AMAZING to finally pursue this dream. I applied for the master of social work program last night. I am so excited! I haven't felt like this in more than three years. It feels so good to be able to move forward with something for myself. I am very excited and know that this awful and painful trial we are going through is going to make me such a better therapist. I know that I will be able to touch a lot of lives. I cannot even wait to get started. Here I go, on my way to thriving. I can't control what life brings me, but I sure can control how I live my life.