March 19th 2012
I'll never forget that day. We found out we were FINALLY pregnant! Tears of joy and gratitude streamed down my cheeks. I thanked my Heavenly Father for this miraculous blessing. We did it. We beat the monster of infertility. Pounds of heavy weight lifted off our shoulders. We were happy. Beyond description. Our baby was to be welcomed into this world November 26th. It couldn't come soon enough. We had been yearning and aching to have this child in our home. Now we were finally on our way. After years of heartbreak.
In one blurb of a moment this was all taken away from us again. Everything we worked so hard for. Everything we hoped and longed for. Gone. I still feel like this is a bad dream. Surely Heavenly Father would not do this to us again. Not after everything we've been through. We needed that little life more than words can say. Our hearts surely cannot handle this again and go down the road of uncertainty and having to start over. It is a very deep pain in our hearts. Very raw. Very very confusing. I thought it was finally our time. What else do we need to learn? Why must we suffer more in this area? These questions flood my mind. I'm sure we'll be ok. We have survived it before. I will pray my heart out to understand. To feel His hand in this. To feel His love. I really did not think this would happen. I really believed so strong in my heart that little life growing inside of me would make it into our arms. Thursday our baby was doing well with a strong heartbeat. Friday it was all gone. Today it all just hurts. One day at a time. Or else I get overwhelmed and scared of what more could be ahead.
