Jordan's Family

Today I am grateful for my 2nd Family

I married into the most fun family ever. I feel so lucky to have two amazing families to be apart of. 

Vicki: Vicki is such a great mother in law. She has always been so welcoming and sweet to me. She always makes sure that everyone is happy and comfortable. She is so funny and has a great sense of humor. She is super competitive and knows how to throw a party!

Mike: Mike would literally do anything for his family. He has come over countless Saturdays to help with yard work  or any other projects we need help with. He has really taught Jordan well how to treat his wife. He could care less about money and objects, his heart is in the right place.

Colby: Colby is a very strong willed person. He knows what he wants and he does not care what anyone thinks about him. He also inherited the Bentley trait of being very good to his wife. He loves to joke around and have a good time.

Mandie: Mandie is a very fun person to be around. She enjoys having intelligent conversations. She is very creative and artistic. Family is very important to her. You can definitely tell how much she loves her husband. She is a busy girl and works hard for her family.

Brittany: Brittany is a very ambitious and hard working person. She does not settle for less than she believes she is worth. She sets high goals for herself and makes sure to achieve them. She is very smart and applies herself. She is the most dedicated person with reading scriptures and praying. She never misses a night!

Cassidy: What would we do without our Cassidy? She is such a good sport. She puts up with the teasing. She makes us laugh and always has hilarious stories. She is very confident in who she is. She does not care about the silly high school things and is very genuine and down to earth. She has a very big heart.

My Family

Today I am grateful for my family.
I have such an awesome family and want to give each one of them a little shout out! They so deserve it as they do so much for us. Love you guys!

My mom: My mom is the most selfless and Christlike person I've ever met. She always seems to remain so calm and loving, even when people wrongfully treat her. She is a great example to me. There are so many traits I hope to obtain from her. I love her so much!

My Dad: I think parts of me are a total daddy's girl. I always have valued my dad's opinion. I admired his ambition and success and knew I wanted those traits in a husband. It worked out well, because I found just that! My dad is incredibly knowledgeable in every single topic possible.

Brady: I always looked up to my big brother. I loved hanging out with him and thought he was so cool. He set a great example being the oldest child. He is so sweet and caring of his sisters. He has always been protective of us. He's very fun to talk to.

Stephanie: Oh Steph is such the life of the party! I love the presence she brings into our family. She is crazy fun. She is probably the wittiest person I've ever met. The things that girl says! No wonder her kids are such comedians! I love hangin with steph.

Karlie: Even though she is my oldest sister, I get along with her so well. I have always admired the mom she is. She is so easy to talk to and always seems to know exactly what to say. She is not afraid to speak her mind and I admire that in her. She is a very strong and confident woman.

Adam: One word to describe Adam. Opinionated. haha. But seriously Adam is a very interesting person to talk to. He is super smart and is very passionate about his thoughts and feelings. He is a great husband and father and helps around the house so much. 

Melanie: Oh Melanie is the sweetest of us all! I always hope that her goodness will rub off on me! I love that she is such a gamer and is always wanting to have a good time. She sacrifices so much for her family. She has such a strong testimony and always has a bright spirit about her.

Mike: Such a sweetie that Mike. Always trying to help out. He always puts everyone else's needs before his. The best thing about Mike, are his accidental blunt comments. Oh those always make us laugh. He's such a fun guy.

Rachael: Rach is the closest sibling in age to me. We've grown up being so incredibly close. We've had so many fun times. She is the funniest person. She's so fun to have around to make you laugh. She's such a dedicated mom. She always has my back. I miss hanging out with her all the time.

Matt: Matt is such a chill guy. He rarely seems to get mad. He loves to play hard, and I think that is important! He is so good to my sister. He is truly genuine with others' successes. He has never been one to brag or boast. He is very humble.

The Atonement

Today I am grateful for the Atonement.

Heaven knows I make many mistakes. And will continue to do so. Satan tries to put lies into our heads making us feel that we cannot repent because we are too far gone or have made too big a mistake. Surely Heavenly Father does not want to talk to us anymore. Lies! I know I've fallen for this many times. Our Heavenly Father ALWAYS wants to talk to us. He ALWAYS wants to forgive us. He ALWAYS loves us, no matter the transgression. It says in the scriptures that even if we make the same mistake 77 x 7 times, we will still be forgiven. That brings me so much comfort. There is always a way back. Sorrow, pain, and guilt can always be replaced with joy, love, and forgiveness. I know that the Atonement has been such an amazing thing in my life. I am so grateful for a Savior that was willing to sacrifice his own life for us to have this incredible gift. He knows and understands how we feel. This also brings such great comfort as often we feel so lonely and that no one understands how we feel. Christ does. He has felt the pain you experience. What a unique connection that is with our Savior. Oh how joyous it is to know that we can always become clean and pure again and feel close to our Heavenly Father and Savior. 

Young Women

Today I'm grateful for my Young Women.

I know I've already said this in a past post, but I'm 1st counselor in the young women's presidency. I was worried to take this calling on, but it has been such a blessing. These young women really are saving me right now. I love these girls so much. I've gained such great relationships with them and admire them for who they are and the good people they are trying to be. They have so much temptation and trial among them, but yet they stay strong in their character. I feel so lucky to have this calling. I love teaching them and helping them to learn of their worth. They are amazing. I really am gaining more from them than they are from me. They always seem to text me the sweetest things on the most needed days. I love that. I never want any other calling. I am so attached! They help motivate me to stay strong. To stay active in this church. And to grow my testimony. I loved the young women's program when I was a youth and feel that it helped my life so much. It is such a great organization and is helping shape these girls lives.

Education

Today I am grateful for our Education.

Jordan and I were both able to attend college. It was very important to us to obtain a college education. Our college days hold such a strong place in our hearts. Starting with the first experiences of moving out, having roommates, and having some of the craziest most fun times of our single lives. And then progressing into our married life college days. Life was simple and we were so happy. We didn't have much, but we were content. We have been blessed with many opportunities of employment and have both really enjoyed our careers. Financial stability has been something we have been truly grateful to have achieved. Jordan and I are both pursuing master programs and are so lucky to do so. Education truly has opened up so many doors for us. I originally did not intend on wanting a career. My dream was to get my bachelor's and to be a stay at home mom. This still is a dream of mine, but my eyes and knowledge have increased so much these past couple of years. I am grateful for all that I have been able to learn. Knowledge is, after all, the only thing we will take with us from this life.

My Upbringing

Today I am grateful for my upbringing

I am so grateful for the childhood my parents provided. I have incredible parents that have taught me thee most valuable lessons to live a successful life. I currently work at a residential treatment center for troubled teens. These girls have so many issues due to bad parenting, unsafe environments, and trauma. It is so sad to see these girls suffer and struggle so much. They do not deserve that. It helps me to realize what a great home I came from. I am so lucky to have been taught how a strong marriage works, healthy coping skills, and my worth. I was able to grow and develop in a stable environment with everything I ever could have needed or asked for. My parents and siblings showed me how a loving family functions. My parents loved me enough to tell me no. To keep me away from trouble and things that would corrupt my life. I always knew I was loved. I always knew I was safe. I always knew that my future was bright. I am so grateful for these things as they have truly shaped the rest of my life.

The Gospel

Today I am grateful for the Gospel.

Truly I do not know how I would get through any heartache and pain without the knowledge and peace from the Gospel. It is true that at times the "natural man" in me wishes to be angry, to be bitter, and to rebel. Sometimes you just don't know where to direct your negative feelings at or where to point the reason for your pain. I know that is Satan working against me. I know that doing this only causes me to be that much more miserable. Whenever I am close to my Savior and Heavenly Father by consistently praying and attending church, miraculous things happen. I receive personal revelation and feel of Their love. I know that they weep with me. I know that They wish to help me through this if I only let them. I know that They want what is best for me. The Gospel truly has given me so much guidance and joy in this life. It is at times such great respite and relief. I recently was called to be 1st counselor in the Young Women's Presidency. I feel that these young women are saving me right now. I so enjoy seeing them at activities and teaching them each week. I get so much joy from them. I am grateful that Heavenly Father trusts me to work with his youth and that he loves me enough to receive the blessings that come from fulfilling callings. 

Thankful

I wish I would have started this sooner, but I want to focus each day on something I am thankful for. I am so incredibly blessed and have so much to be happy for. What better time to begin focusing on my blessings than the thanksgiving season? I truly believe that when we count our blessings and focus on the good, we can be so much happier even when there are deficits that we wish were different.

Today I am thankful for my husband.

Oh how grateful I am for him. I cannot even imagine going through life without him. He has shown me parts of him that I have been so impressed with these past few years. He is compassionate, understanding, and the best listener a girl could ever ask for. He always seems to see through my irrational behaviors and helps to get me back to being focused and positive. Even if we never have children, life with him is a pretty good life to live. Challenges can bring great strain onto marriages. I feel that Jordan is my priority and he always will be. I will never allow anything to cloud that. I love something that Jordan pointed out to me once. He told me that our marriage truly is the most important thing in this life. Children are extensions of this divine blessing, but the heart of it is the marriage. Marriage is the relationship that will get us into the Celestial Kingdom. Our children will be with their spouses. He pointed out that so often people get divorced and separated because of issues with their children and their families. Marriage should be the number one priority that both husband and wife should be actively working to nurture and better the relationship. 

Thrive

It hurts to think that it's already November. November was my due date. I don't allow myself to think where I should be right now. That doesn't help. I have to focus on today and the now. There is no point thinking otherwise. I just get sad. I am sort of feeling like "whatever" is my new motto. When I get another visit from aunt flow I just think "whatever". When I have late surprises I think "whatever". When I hear of another announcement I think "whatever". It is strange. It may be my coping mechanism right now. It may be me being so numb and exhausted that I just can't care anymore. I don't know. But it seems to be working. 

My goal for the past while has been to "thrive". I feel like the past three years have just floated past me. I feel like I've sacrificed every ounce of me for something that I just can't control. I honestly don't feel like I've truly lived. It feels like I've just tried to get through each day and that's about it. I'm DONE WITH THIS!!! No more. I can't stand living like this. I hate it. I hate this situation, but I JUST CAN'T CHANGE IT! It is what it is and I'm tired of it controlling my life. I'm tired of trying so hard and failing every time. I'm done. My new plan is to put this aside, and try to find something to allow me to thrive. At dinner last week, I looked my husband in the eyes and told him with so much emotional pain, "Jordan, I just need something". That was the only way to explain it. I need something. I need to work towards and progress at something that I can control. I need to feel fulfillment by something that is actually going my way. I have always known that I want to become a therapist, but just thought becoming a mother was more of a priority. Well since that isn't working out for me, I'm finally pulling the trigger. It feels AMAZING to finally pursue this dream. I applied for the master of social work program last night. I am so excited! I haven't felt like this in more than three years. It feels so good to be able to move forward with something for myself. I am very excited and know that this awful and painful trial we are going through is going to make me such a better therapist. I know that I will be able to touch a lot of lives. I cannot even wait to get started. Here I go, on my way to thriving. I can't control what life brings me, but I sure can control how I live my life. 

Taken away yet again

March 19th 2012
I'll never forget that day. We found out we were FINALLY pregnant! Tears of joy and gratitude streamed down my cheeks. I thanked my Heavenly Father for this miraculous blessing. We did it. We beat the monster of infertility. Pounds of heavy weight lifted off our shoulders. We were happy. Beyond description. Our baby was to be welcomed into this world November 26th. It couldn't come soon enough. We had been yearning and aching to have this child in our home. Now we were finally on our way. After years of heartbreak.

In one blurb of a moment this was all taken away from us again. Everything we worked so hard for. Everything we hoped and longed for. Gone. I still feel like this is a bad dream. Surely Heavenly Father would not do this to us again. Not after everything we've been through. We needed that little life more than words can say. Our hearts surely cannot handle this again and go down the road of uncertainty and having to start over. It is a very deep pain in our hearts. Very raw. Very very confusing. I thought it was finally our time. What else do we need to learn? Why must we suffer more in this area? These questions flood my mind. I'm sure we'll be ok. We have survived it before. I will pray my heart out to understand. To feel His hand in this. To feel His love. I really did not think this would happen. I really believed so strong in my heart that little life growing inside of me would make it into our arms. Thursday our baby was doing well with a strong heartbeat. Friday it was all gone. Today it all just hurts. One day at a time. Or else I get overwhelmed and scared of what more could be ahead.

Bad day

Ok

I've finally reached a level where I'm ok. I'm ok to not know the future. I'm ok to wait for our children to come. I'm ok with the concept that I have no control. That I have to surrender my desires and my timing to The Lord's plan. To have enough faith that it truly will all work out. It has taken me a long time to get here. But I'm here. Just trying to live my life in accordance with Heavenly Father. There are other things for me to focus on and live my life for right now. Everything else will fall into place. I've decided that serving others and trying to develop more talents will be my baby for now. There are so many people enduring unspeakable things. I have a lot of love to give to help. I also love music and am excited to focus and progress myself in that. This is my plan. To live and learn and leave the rest up to the Lord. I will continue to pray and hope for a family in the near future, but for now it's all ok.

Third failed IUI. Ouch. For some reason this one felt different. I felt such a strong peace and felt like I was carried through this round. I guess it must have been from all the prayers and fasts that were coming our way. Luckily I wasn't naive enough anymore during the "2 week wait" to think that good peaceful feelings mean this is over. It just means that the Lord is blessing me to have strength and peace to get through what I am facing. This failed attempt did hurt. Bad. I don't get it. How it happened so easily once, but now is such a challenge. For those who haven't gone through infertility, each failed cycle brings grieving. I didn't know you could grieve over something you've never had. But it truly is the deepest pain every month to learn your hopes and dreams are once again shattered. And even worse, out of your control. It is a very strong and vulnerable feeling. The one thing you so desperately want, you can't have. The heartbreak is great, and then you are required to immediately make decisions on the next game plan. Stress and heartbreak is not a fun mix. It is difficult to pick yourself up month after month. It's hard to think, how will I do this even one more time? This morning the thought came into my head, "Don't worry so much Jen, the Lord knows when this is best for you. Trust his timing. Trust in His love and His plan for you. This is in HIS hands, and those are VERY good hands to be in." It made me feel peace. I'm working really hard to have stronger faith in this. When you reach that dead end where you do not know how much longer you can continue, then watch this. My cousin shared this with me and it is so awesome!

Tammy shares

My sister's friend, whom I've never even met, wrote to me. Was it a coincidence that I received the email after walking out of a very humiliating IUI procedure? I think not. I was grateful for her words. For her compassion. And for her desire to help a woman in need, even if a stranger. She told me I could pass along her story and words of wisdom. I hope we can all make our very best efforts to apply her lessons into our lives. What a strong and amazing woman she is! She shares.....


My husband and I have struggled for years with infertility issues.  3 of which were in Provo - land of the babies (horrific).  It has been difficult, heart breaking, and many many tears have been shed over the problem.  When we moved to Arizona, I went straight to a fertility specialist who gave us the good news (HA!) that we had a 2% chance of getting pregnant on our own and our only real chance of pregnancy would be through IVF.  We saved our money and put some on credit and then tried our first IVF in December of 2007.  It was a very challenging experience as my ovaries got hyper stimulated and I was hospitalized for a week.  However, in the end by nothing short of a miracle I got pregnant with my daughter.  She just celebrated her 4th birthday yesterday.  Three years later after again saving every nickel and dime, we tried IVF again in April of 2010 and by another huge miracle got pregnant with our son, who just celebrated his first birthday on January 2nd.  You'd think with the option to choose delivery dates, I would have selected better times than 9 days apart and right after Christmas, huh? :) 

Anyway, we struggled for 5 long years and it was devastating.  Really really devastating.  I spent a lot of time on my knees and a lot of time in the temple asking Heavenly Father WHY.  I struggled with the concept of faith and challenged my own inner faith.  Because if I had "faith" that I could get pregnant, then WHY wasn't it happening?  There were some dark days.  It seemed that everyone around me was always pregnant and babies were everywhere taunting me.  After many years of soul searching I finally realized that I needed to have faith in Jesus Christ and his plan for me, not just in the outcomes that I so desperately wanted.  The single best lesson learned during the process, was learned from my Aunt Sharron.  She lost her husband to cancer while we were struggling with infertility.  She taught me a lesson that carried me through the rest of our trial (and through my life).  She told me that she survived his death by focusing on her current blessings and all the positive things she had in her life.  She had been dwelling on the blessings that were NOT hers and the blessings that seemingly everyone else had BUT her and she was spiraling downward.  When she realized the good things she had, she was able to pull through her husband's death and become a grateful person.  Aunt Sharron also taught me to stay actively busy with lots of good things.

I took her advice and started to think about all the good in my life.  I realized that I had a great job, a wonderful husband, a fantastic marriage, a great extended family who loves me, a comfortable place to live, etc... - I still have many friends that are still single and this concept helped me realize that I was blessed to have an eternal companion with which I can endure trials with.  My husband and I started to travel more and really enjoy the fact that we didn't have kids making trips more expensive and difficult.  We planned lots of activities with other friends, trained for races, performed together and most importantly attended and worked at the temple together.  Looking back, although horribly painful, I would not have traded those years for anything.  We were really able to strengthen our marriage and create a loving home and environment for our future children (plus have a lot of fun!!).

Did I still have "down" days?  Absolutely.  Did I still cry every time another sibling got pregnant with yet another baby?  Sure.  But most of the time I CHOSE not to think about the blessings that I did NOT have and focus on the ones that I DID.  In fact, even with two miracle babies, I still get depressed because I came from a large family and was really hoping for more than two children.  Seems silly, huh?  But, even now I get caught up in the "why me" cycle.

I know that Heavenly Father knows you and loves you.  And I know he has your best interest in mind.  Although these days may be dark, He is always there.

All my love and support,
Tammy

Blessings

A friend of mine shared this song with me. It is truly powerful and gives such a great perspective on trials.

I wanted to share it and I hope it can impact you as much as it has me. 

It is hard to understand life. Trials. Why. 

But I am confident more than ever that this trial was tailored and designed for me and my husband right now.

This wasn't designed to crumble us, make us feel abandoned, or to make us suffer.

Rather, to open our eyes, strengthen us, and change us.

As it states in the song, "What if our blessings come through raindrops, what if our healing comes through tears, what is a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."

I am learning to be grateful for this trial. I am glad to have this experience and learn these lessons before we have our children. Although it is painful and definitely not easy, my life will be so much better off in the long run because of it. 

Reflection

As the New Year rolled in, I couldn't help but feel emotional as I reflected on the previous year. 2011 has been a rough one. It has been a true test of our faith. To the core. Instead of letting my mind focus on all the bad, all the heartbreak, all the disappointments, I tried to focus on what has come from this difficult year. I don't think my testimony has ever been stronger. My marriage as fulfilling. My relationship with my Heavenly Father closer. My love for the temple as deep. My level of compassion for others as high. My dependence on prayer, scripture study, and the Lord's help so intensely. Sounds like a pretty remarkable year right?! So many good things have come from this. That is where my mind needs to stay focused. I cannot and will not let Satan make me think otherwise. I do not want to think of it as another year wasted to infertility. But instead, as another year closer to achieving our family. It is hard to understand why yet another year bit the dust without us receiving the blessings of a family. But that is not for me to determine. I do not know what else I need to learn beforehand. Or when these children need to be on this Earth. I just need to trust my Heavenly Father. Trust the plan. It is hard to do when you ache for it so badly every second of every day. But it is out of my control. The only control I have is my faith. I can only hope for a bright future ahead. This quote definitely sums up 2011 for me.....