Quotes

Two quotes written by me, a girl who has definitely been there!

"When it is the hardest to pray, is when you need to pray the most."

"Just because the desires of our hearts are being delayed, and our prayers are not being answered the way we wish, does NOT mean we are forgotten about."

My Road

Obviously I would love for this ride to be over for me. But when the road I'm on seems to turn into an even sharper, steeper turn, and I do not understand how much longer my vehicle can drive, I realize something. Every sharp, steep turn brings a new view. If I didn't drive through that steep up-rise, then I wouldn't have gained this new perspective. This is the road I'm supposed to be on. This is the road that will eventually drive me to an even better destination than I once thought. This is the road shaping me into a person I want to become. This road is tailored for me. Although sometimes I wish I could take a different road, perhaps a shortcut, but this road is the only way for me. I'm on my own road. Others roads around me may be shorter. More straightforward.. But mine is mine. It is unique. No one else's is the same route. Its OK for mine to be different. Because it is the road I am SUPPOSED to take. I know this road has lead me to many unexpected pitstops than I originally thought. But it WILL lead me to my destination. And I'll be better for surviving the ride.

Another Setback

I have been taking infertility medications for 10 months now. This includes clomid, estrogen, progesterone, and the hcg shots. Basically almost every day of my cycle, I'm taking something. My doctor has been incredibly aggressive (probably too much so). These pills are far from fun. I have noticed that I have constant ovulatory pains. Throughout my whole cycle. It feels like these pills are killing my body. Making it work too hard. Not to mention how irrational and hormonal they make you feel. Last month I couldn't get myself to take them. You are supposed to start clomid on day 3. Which means, you get your period, and its time to start. Jordan filled the prescription and brought it home. I just couldn't take them. My body was hurting all the time. I could not get myself to cram more down my throat. Especially when we've had no success from it. We've never taken a break. Not in the 2 years we've been trying. We always have a plan. But I couldn't. So we took the month off. No pills. No ultrasounds. No insemination. No tracking days. No doctor visits. I just couldn't. It was nice. But the problem is, there really is no such thing as a "break" with this. I still want it more than ever. I still thought about it constantly. Well this month, we changed it up a little. We met with a new Doctor, a Specialist at the University of Utah. She was brilliant. We felt good about her. She thought my current Doctor was a little much and wanted to do less, and switch from clomid to letrozole. When it was time to start taking the pill, I still had the same hesitancy.  I didn't want to. But I knew I had to try. So I made myself. Then I get a call from my doctor today saying that my blood test shows that I am not immune to Rubella, and that she wants me to get the vaccine and not try this month because I'll have the virus that the baby could get exposed to. What? Are you kidding me? How has no Doctor that I've seen (which is many) ever thought to test something that is supposed to be so important? How am I not immune? I guess the effects of the vaccine can wear off and you can become no longer immune and that it is pretty common. So basically now I've taken the pills that make me feel so terrible for no reason. Just for fun. And we can't try to move forward this month. This might sound like no big deal, but I just feel frustrated. I feel crushed. I can't handle all these constant and unexpected setbacks. Every month is precious to me. I feel mad that this wasn't done sooner. This should have been taken care of in the beginning. Not at this point in the game. I will try to remain positive, and try to enjoy the holidays, but oh how I hate these setbacks. If you haven't been tested for Rubella, do it now!! Not when you're getting ready and excited to do another insemination!

Patience

"Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can - working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf ~

Eternal Hope

One difficult thing for me is the mental battle this struggle brings. I can’t help but get my hopes up every month, especially when your doing so much to have success, but then find the “rejection” news to be unbearable. I did this for a long time. It is a rough emotional rollercoaster. Then I began to not want to get my hopes up at all because it hurt too bad when it was yet another no.  But the hope is what carries you through.  If you don’t have hope, then it’s like trying to run a marathon that you don’t think will ever end. I struggled with what to tell my mind. What to think with each month of trying.  What a good balance was. A very wise man, whom I’ve come to adore, told me great advice. He told me to have Eternal Hope. Don't have cheerleader hope, which is thinking “oh I hope it works THIS month, I hope THIS is our month!" (which is very hard not to do). But instead, have Eternal Hope. To think that someday, you will have a family. Someday, everything will work out. No matter what road it takes you to get there.  You will get your family. You will be blessed for persevering and sacrificing so much to achieve such a selfless thing. Something that your Heavenly Father wants for you as much as you do.  I know He is proud of you for wanting it so bad. For hurting so bad because you long for it. It is a very good thing to ache for. Try to have Eternal Hope. Try to stay focused on that. It is easy for that to get clouded, but your children will come. Whenever my period is near and I begin to sink down because I know it’s coming, I try to remain full of eternal hope. Maybe it’s not our month this month, but one of these months it will be our turn. We will get our family.


Have faith.

Satan's Destructive Influence

I have never experienced Satan's influence as strongly as I have throughout this struggle. He is tricky, deceitful, and destructive. If I miss my morning or night prayers, or reading the scriptures, he sneaks into my life. Little by little he creeps in his lies and tricks to tear me down. I know he wants nothing more than to destroy me, destroy our marriage, and stop us from starting an eternal family. All things related to procreation are a prime target to thwart the plan of God. I know that Satan will try harder than ever to tear you down in this struggle. He will try to make you feel not worthy, that you have no purpose, and feel discouraged. Discouragement is Satan's weapon of mass destruction. It is all lies! Your worth is so great. There are great things in store for you. Heavenly Father trusts you to endure this. Do not let Satan into your life. It is not a way to survive this. It is hard to fight this battle, and fight Satan. But I know that if you stay close to the Lord, He will make a way. He will make it feel possible. He will provide the hope, comfort, and peace that your heart needs. He will provide the ability to see a bright future. A way to feel happy NOW. A way to feel like you CAN do this. I know it is hard. And that it aches on so many levels. But turn to the Lord and keep Him in your life to allow the spirit as a shield against Satan. 

I love this saying by Elder Uchtdorf. I remind myself of it daily. It is very powerful.

"I am doing a great work, and cannot come down".

Don't let Satan tear you down!

Never Judge

Today my visiting teacher came over. The message she chose to share with me from conference was.....wait for it...."We are not supposed to delay having children and starting a family". Wow. Are you serious? I had spent my morning feeling very heavy hearted with my situation. Trying very hard to be strong and not let the holiday season get to me. When she said that, and continued on with what a blessing and privilege  it is, and how it is fulfilling our Heavenly Father's Plan, I lost it. My blood began to boil. How dare you judge me. How dare you just "assume" we don't want children. How dare you think this is even any of your business anyway! I think our "culture" can be so incredibly judgmental. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. You have no idea what mountains and hills people are trying to climb. You have no idea the amount of pain someone feels. Never ever judge. Period.

The Lord Has a Plan For Us

Today I went to a Graveside Ceremony. A sweet colleague of mine, lost her baby. She had a healthy, full term pregnancy. Everything looked great. She went in to have her baby right on schedule. Her baby was born not breathing. They could not revive her. They lost her. My heart yearns for this family. I can't imagine being that close. Planning and awaiting for this special day to arrive, to then have it all taken from you in an instance. To look at that sweet little body, and know you will not share that life with her. You will not see her take her first steps, say her first words, or send her off to her first day of school. Well, at least not in this life...What a heart wrenching pain. I could not stop staring at that little teeny tiny pink casket. It broke my heart. Their bishop gave a beautiful message. He talked on how hard it is sometimes to understand the Lord's will. But in due time, maybe not even this lifetime, we will understand. There is a plan. There is a reason.

The Lord loves us. He wants us to be strong. He wants us to have compassion. He wants us to feel joy. He wants us to have unwavering faith. He wants us to grow. He wants us to become more like Him. None of those things can happen without trials. Without sorrow. Without opportunities to be refined. It can hurt. And ache. And make absolute no sense. But it is for our growth. I know that if we remember that the Lord has a plan for us, we will make it through whatever life throws our way. Staying close to Him is the only way to survive life's struggles. 

I love this quote. It gives much comfort. "It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

Struggles

My dear sweet and wonderful mother-in-law just dropped this poem by in a beautiful frame. I already treasure it. I had to share the poem because it has such a great outlook on struggles we face in our lives. 

Struggles

One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, and a man sat and watched for the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making an progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We could never fly.

I asked for Strength.....

And God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom.......

And God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity.........

And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage..........

And God gave me danger to overcome.

I asked for Love..............

And God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors...........

And God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted,

I received everything I needed.

A Thankful Heart

I think no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, we can always find deficits. Someone always has bigger or better.  Although my current deficit feels like a pretty major one, I still am so incredibly blessed. I am choosing to look for the good in my life this Thanksgiving season, and be happy for all the ways I am blessed. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where our attitude is all we really have. We have no control over what life throws our way. But we can control how we react to situations, and can make life as miserable or wonderful as we want. It kills me to hear and see women complain about their lack of sleep due to their new little bundle of joy, or say how bad they hate that baby fat their trying to work off...or so forth. I would kill for those to be my problems! It just goes to show that no matter what we have, we choose if we're happy. We can have all of life's most perfect and amazing blessings, and still choose to be miserable. It is easy to focus on the pain, or on how EVERYBODY else seems to be pregnant, or how badly we feel we deserve this. But what kind of life will that lead you to? A depressing, terrible, and unbearable one. Trust me I've been there. But not anymore. Because I CAN be happy NOW. Yes I might not be a mother, and want to so badly, but I AM a wife, I AM a member of an amazing church, I AM a developmentalist, I AM a primary teacher, I AM a friend, I AM a sister, I AM an aunt, I AM so many other wonderful things that can and should bring such joy. I am spoiled with blessings. And I am going to choose to be happy. I can. It is in my hands. I hope we can all try to have more thankful hearts, even when we do not like the current situations we are in.

My Story

 Our journey has been surprising and unexpected all along. I come from a family blessed with incredible fertility. I am the youngest of 5 children. I watched all my older sisters have children with ease. I Heard stories of my grandmother who had 7 children; 3 sets of twins, and 1 single. . .Amazing fertility! It was always a joke in our family that if you wash you and your husbands pants together,  you're pregnant! I was in this naive world that getting pregnant was easy. It was the norm. When my husband and I were ready and started trying, I just "assumed" it would be easy. After 4 months, we were pregnant. I was so happy to have this "blessed gene" as well. We were excited. Everything was going as planned. At my first Doctor appointment, we learned we had miscarried at 9 weeks. We were very sad and disappointed, but got through it knowing we will be on our way soon again and it will all be ok. What is a couple months in the big scheme of things?  Month after month went by. Confusion set in. What's going on? By the time I reached my due date, still not even on my way, I was devastated. We had such high expectations every single month which made the let down to be gruesome. I reached out to my Doctor for help. What is wrong? Why isn't this happening? They never listened. Told me it was just bad timing. That I got pregnant which shows success, so just keep trying. I couldn't live in such turmoil anymore. Something must be wrong. This is not the norm I knew. I finally got fed up with them and searched for a new Doctor. One that could help us figure this out. He listened. He agreed that we should be pregnant by now. Oh it felt good to be validated! We began testing. It felt good to finally be doing something about it. We found problems. I was not ovulating. My hormone levels were really low. This could be due to endometriosis or ovarian cysts. I had no symptoms of either of these other than infertility. My doctor encouraged me to get laparoscopic surgery so that we could know for certain. The only way to find out is by going in with the microscope. What? Surgery? I've gotten pregnant so it is impossible for me to have such problems! I thought it would just be a simple fix. Not this. We prayed and went to the temple. We felt strongly that surgery was the route we needed to go. Surprised, I took that leap of faith and trusted my Heavenly Father. I underwent the surgery. Not knowing if they would find anything and this would all be a waste of money and pain. As soon as I woke up from surgery, I asked if they found anything. My husband told me they found endometriosis and removed it all. I immediatley said a prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for helping me. It was amazing. We had a new excitement. We must be close. My doctor wanted to put me on infertility pills. He is an aggressive doctor and always said to us, "lets just get you pregnant". Clomid, monthly ultrasound appointments, progesterone, and HCG shots became my new reality. Month after month after month, still no luck. It made no sense. To us or our doctor. Why is it STILL not working with all this help? My body was doing what it was supposed to. My husband had no problems. . .Nothing. Our doctor put us into the "Black Box"of Infertility. Basically when they don't know why its not happening because both partners are working fine. We have tried Artificial Insemination (IUI) multiple times. We do not know what our future holds. Surely one of these times it must work. We try to remain positive and optimistic and look for ways to be happy as we go through this difficult journey.