January 31, 2012
Ok
I've finally reached a level where I'm ok. I'm ok to not know the future. I'm ok to wait for our children to come. I'm ok with the concept that I have no control. That I have to surrender my desires and my timing to The Lord's plan. To have enough faith that it truly will all work out. It has taken me a long time to get here. But I'm here. Just trying to live my life in accordance with Heavenly Father. There are other things for me to focus on and live my life for right now. Everything else will fall into place. I've decided that serving others and trying to develop more talents will be my baby for now. There are so many people enduring unspeakable things. I have a lot of love to give to help. I also love music and am excited to focus and progress myself in that. This is my plan. To live and learn and leave the rest up to the Lord. I will continue to pray and hope for a family in the near future, but for now it's all ok.
January 24, 2012
Third failed IUI. Ouch. For some reason this one felt different. I felt such a strong peace and felt like I was carried through this round. I guess it must have been from all the prayers and fasts that were coming our way. Luckily I wasn't naive enough anymore during the "2 week wait" to think that good peaceful feelings mean this is over. It just means that the Lord is blessing me to have strength and peace to get through what I am facing. This failed attempt did hurt. Bad. I don't get it. How it happened so easily once, but now is such a challenge. For those who haven't gone through infertility, each failed cycle brings grieving. I didn't know you could grieve over something you've never had. But it truly is the deepest pain every month to learn your hopes and dreams are once again shattered. And even worse, out of your control. It is a very strong and vulnerable feeling. The one thing you so desperately want, you can't have. The heartbreak is great, and then you are required to immediately make decisions on the next game plan. Stress and heartbreak is not a fun mix. It is difficult to pick yourself up month after month. It's hard to think, how will I do this even one more time? This morning the thought came into my head, "Don't worry so much Jen, the Lord knows when this is best for you. Trust his timing. Trust in His love and His plan for you. This is in HIS hands, and those are VERY good hands to be in." It made me feel peace. I'm working really hard to have stronger faith in this. When you reach that dead end where you do not know how much longer you can continue, then watch this. My cousin shared this with me and it is so awesome!
January 17, 2012
Tammy shares
My sister's friend, whom I've never even met, wrote to me. Was it a coincidence that I received the email after walking out of a very humiliating IUI procedure? I think not. I was grateful for her words. For her compassion. And for her desire to help a woman in need, even if a stranger. She told me I could pass along her story and words of wisdom. I hope we can all make our very best efforts to apply her lessons into our lives. What a strong and amazing woman she is! She shares.....
My husband and I have struggled for years with infertility issues. 3 of which were in Provo - land of the babies (horrific). It has been difficult, heart breaking, and many many tears have been shed over the problem. When we moved to Arizona, I went straight to a fertility specialist who gave us the good news (HA!) that we had a 2% chance of getting pregnant on our own and our only real chance of pregnancy would be through IVF. We saved our money and put some on credit and then tried our first IVF in December of 2007. It was a very challenging experience as my ovaries got hyper stimulated and I was hospitalized for a week. However, in the end by nothing short of a miracle I got pregnant with my daughter. She just celebrated her 4th birthday yesterday. Three years later after again saving every nickel and dime, we tried IVF again in April of 2010 and by another huge miracle got pregnant with our son, who just celebrated his first birthday on January 2nd. You'd think with the option to choose delivery dates, I would have selected better times than 9 days apart and right after Christmas, huh? :)
Anyway, we struggled for 5 long years and it was devastating. Really really devastating. I spent a lot of time on my knees and a lot of time in the temple asking Heavenly Father WHY. I struggled with the concept of faith and challenged my own inner faith. Because if I had "faith" that I could get pregnant, then WHY wasn't it happening? There were some dark days. It seemed that everyone around me was always pregnant and babies were everywhere taunting me. After many years of soul searching I finally realized that I needed to have faith in Jesus Christ and his plan for me, not just in the outcomes that I so desperately wanted. The single best lesson learned during the process, was learned from my Aunt Sharron. She lost her husband to cancer while we were struggling with infertility. She taught me a lesson that carried me through the rest of our trial (and through my life). She told me that she survived his death by focusing on her current blessings and all the positive things she had in her life. She had been dwelling on the blessings that were NOT hers and the blessings that seemingly everyone else had BUT her and she was spiraling downward. When she realized the good things she had, she was able to pull through her husband's death and become a grateful person. Aunt Sharron also taught me to stay actively busy with lots of good things.
I took her advice and started to think about all the good in my life. I realized that I had a great job, a wonderful husband, a fantastic marriage, a great extended family who loves me, a comfortable place to live, etc... - I still have many friends that are still single and this concept helped me realize that I was blessed to have an eternal companion with which I can endure trials with. My husband and I started to travel more and really enjoy the fact that we didn't have kids making trips more expensive and difficult. We planned lots of activities with other friends, trained for races, performed together and most importantly attended and worked at the temple together. Looking back, although horribly painful, I would not have traded those years for anything. We were really able to strengthen our marriage and create a loving home and environment for our future children (plus have a lot of fun!!).
Did I still have "down" days? Absolutely. Did I still cry every time another sibling got pregnant with yet another baby? Sure. But most of the time I CHOSE not to think about the blessings that I did NOT have and focus on the ones that I DID. In fact, even with two miracle babies, I still get depressed because I came from a large family and was really hoping for more than two children. Seems silly, huh? But, even now I get caught up in the "why me" cycle.
I know that Heavenly Father knows you and loves you. And I know he has your best interest in mind. Although these days may be dark, He is always there.
All my love and support,
Tammy
My husband and I have struggled for years with infertility issues. 3 of which were in Provo - land of the babies (horrific). It has been difficult, heart breaking, and many many tears have been shed over the problem. When we moved to Arizona, I went straight to a fertility specialist who gave us the good news (HA!) that we had a 2% chance of getting pregnant on our own and our only real chance of pregnancy would be through IVF. We saved our money and put some on credit and then tried our first IVF in December of 2007. It was a very challenging experience as my ovaries got hyper stimulated and I was hospitalized for a week. However, in the end by nothing short of a miracle I got pregnant with my daughter. She just celebrated her 4th birthday yesterday. Three years later after again saving every nickel and dime, we tried IVF again in April of 2010 and by another huge miracle got pregnant with our son, who just celebrated his first birthday on January 2nd. You'd think with the option to choose delivery dates, I would have selected better times than 9 days apart and right after Christmas, huh? :)
Anyway, we struggled for 5 long years and it was devastating. Really really devastating. I spent a lot of time on my knees and a lot of time in the temple asking Heavenly Father WHY. I struggled with the concept of faith and challenged my own inner faith. Because if I had "faith" that I could get pregnant, then WHY wasn't it happening? There were some dark days. It seemed that everyone around me was always pregnant and babies were everywhere taunting me. After many years of soul searching I finally realized that I needed to have faith in Jesus Christ and his plan for me, not just in the outcomes that I so desperately wanted. The single best lesson learned during the process, was learned from my Aunt Sharron. She lost her husband to cancer while we were struggling with infertility. She taught me a lesson that carried me through the rest of our trial (and through my life). She told me that she survived his death by focusing on her current blessings and all the positive things she had in her life. She had been dwelling on the blessings that were NOT hers and the blessings that seemingly everyone else had BUT her and she was spiraling downward. When she realized the good things she had, she was able to pull through her husband's death and become a grateful person. Aunt Sharron also taught me to stay actively busy with lots of good things.
I took her advice and started to think about all the good in my life. I realized that I had a great job, a wonderful husband, a fantastic marriage, a great extended family who loves me, a comfortable place to live, etc... - I still have many friends that are still single and this concept helped me realize that I was blessed to have an eternal companion with which I can endure trials with. My husband and I started to travel more and really enjoy the fact that we didn't have kids making trips more expensive and difficult. We planned lots of activities with other friends, trained for races, performed together and most importantly attended and worked at the temple together. Looking back, although horribly painful, I would not have traded those years for anything. We were really able to strengthen our marriage and create a loving home and environment for our future children (plus have a lot of fun!!).
Did I still have "down" days? Absolutely. Did I still cry every time another sibling got pregnant with yet another baby? Sure. But most of the time I CHOSE not to think about the blessings that I did NOT have and focus on the ones that I DID. In fact, even with two miracle babies, I still get depressed because I came from a large family and was really hoping for more than two children. Seems silly, huh? But, even now I get caught up in the "why me" cycle.
I know that Heavenly Father knows you and loves you. And I know he has your best interest in mind. Although these days may be dark, He is always there.
All my love and support,
Tammy
January 13, 2012
Blessings
A friend of mine shared this song with me. It is truly powerful and gives such a great perspective on trials.
I wanted to share it and I hope it can impact you as much as it has me.
It is hard to understand life. Trials. Why.
But I am confident more than ever that this trial was tailored and designed for me and my husband right now.
This wasn't designed to crumble us, make us feel abandoned, or to make us suffer.
Rather, to open our eyes, strengthen us, and change us.
As it states in the song, "What if our blessings come through raindrops, what if our healing comes through tears, what is a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."
I am learning to be grateful for this trial. I am glad to have this experience and learn these lessons before we have our children. Although it is painful and definitely not easy, my life will be so much better off in the long run because of it.
January 01, 2012
Reflection
As the New Year rolled in, I couldn't help but feel emotional as I reflected on the previous year. 2011 has been a rough one. It has been a true test of our faith. To the core. Instead of letting my mind focus on all the bad, all the heartbreak, all the disappointments, I tried to focus on what has come from this difficult year. I don't think my testimony has ever been stronger. My marriage as fulfilling. My relationship with my Heavenly Father closer. My love for the temple as deep. My level of compassion for others as high. My dependence on prayer, scripture study, and the Lord's help so intensely. Sounds like a pretty remarkable year right?! So many good things have come from this. That is where my mind needs to stay focused. I cannot and will not let Satan make me think otherwise. I do not want to think of it as another year wasted to infertility. But instead, as another year closer to achieving our family. It is hard to understand why yet another year bit the dust without us receiving the blessings of a family. But that is not for me to determine. I do not know what else I need to learn beforehand. Or when these children need to be on this Earth. I just need to trust my Heavenly Father. Trust the plan. It is hard to do when you ache for it so badly every second of every day. But it is out of my control. The only control I have is my faith. I can only hope for a bright future ahead. This quote definitely sums up 2011 for me.....
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