Thankful

I wish I would have started this sooner, but I want to focus each day on something I am thankful for. I am so incredibly blessed and have so much to be happy for. What better time to begin focusing on my blessings than the thanksgiving season? I truly believe that when we count our blessings and focus on the good, we can be so much happier even when there are deficits that we wish were different.

Today I am thankful for my husband.

Oh how grateful I am for him. I cannot even imagine going through life without him. He has shown me parts of him that I have been so impressed with these past few years. He is compassionate, understanding, and the best listener a girl could ever ask for. He always seems to see through my irrational behaviors and helps to get me back to being focused and positive. Even if we never have children, life with him is a pretty good life to live. Challenges can bring great strain onto marriages. I feel that Jordan is my priority and he always will be. I will never allow anything to cloud that. I love something that Jordan pointed out to me once. He told me that our marriage truly is the most important thing in this life. Children are extensions of this divine blessing, but the heart of it is the marriage. Marriage is the relationship that will get us into the Celestial Kingdom. Our children will be with their spouses. He pointed out that so often people get divorced and separated because of issues with their children and their families. Marriage should be the number one priority that both husband and wife should be actively working to nurture and better the relationship. 

Thrive

It hurts to think that it's already November. November was my due date. I don't allow myself to think where I should be right now. That doesn't help. I have to focus on today and the now. There is no point thinking otherwise. I just get sad. I am sort of feeling like "whatever" is my new motto. When I get another visit from aunt flow I just think "whatever". When I have late surprises I think "whatever". When I hear of another announcement I think "whatever". It is strange. It may be my coping mechanism right now. It may be me being so numb and exhausted that I just can't care anymore. I don't know. But it seems to be working. 

My goal for the past while has been to "thrive". I feel like the past three years have just floated past me. I feel like I've sacrificed every ounce of me for something that I just can't control. I honestly don't feel like I've truly lived. It feels like I've just tried to get through each day and that's about it. I'm DONE WITH THIS!!! No more. I can't stand living like this. I hate it. I hate this situation, but I JUST CAN'T CHANGE IT! It is what it is and I'm tired of it controlling my life. I'm tired of trying so hard and failing every time. I'm done. My new plan is to put this aside, and try to find something to allow me to thrive. At dinner last week, I looked my husband in the eyes and told him with so much emotional pain, "Jordan, I just need something". That was the only way to explain it. I need something. I need to work towards and progress at something that I can control. I need to feel fulfillment by something that is actually going my way. I have always known that I want to become a therapist, but just thought becoming a mother was more of a priority. Well since that isn't working out for me, I'm finally pulling the trigger. It feels AMAZING to finally pursue this dream. I applied for the master of social work program last night. I am so excited! I haven't felt like this in more than three years. It feels so good to be able to move forward with something for myself. I am very excited and know that this awful and painful trial we are going through is going to make me such a better therapist. I know that I will be able to touch a lot of lives. I cannot even wait to get started. Here I go, on my way to thriving. I can't control what life brings me, but I sure can control how I live my life. 

Taken away yet again

March 19th 2012
I'll never forget that day. We found out we were FINALLY pregnant! Tears of joy and gratitude streamed down my cheeks. I thanked my Heavenly Father for this miraculous blessing. We did it. We beat the monster of infertility. Pounds of heavy weight lifted off our shoulders. We were happy. Beyond description. Our baby was to be welcomed into this world November 26th. It couldn't come soon enough. We had been yearning and aching to have this child in our home. Now we were finally on our way. After years of heartbreak.

In one blurb of a moment this was all taken away from us again. Everything we worked so hard for. Everything we hoped and longed for. Gone. I still feel like this is a bad dream. Surely Heavenly Father would not do this to us again. Not after everything we've been through. We needed that little life more than words can say. Our hearts surely cannot handle this again and go down the road of uncertainty and having to start over. It is a very deep pain in our hearts. Very raw. Very very confusing. I thought it was finally our time. What else do we need to learn? Why must we suffer more in this area? These questions flood my mind. I'm sure we'll be ok. We have survived it before. I will pray my heart out to understand. To feel His hand in this. To feel His love. I really did not think this would happen. I really believed so strong in my heart that little life growing inside of me would make it into our arms. Thursday our baby was doing well with a strong heartbeat. Friday it was all gone. Today it all just hurts. One day at a time. Or else I get overwhelmed and scared of what more could be ahead.

Bad day

Ok

I've finally reached a level where I'm ok. I'm ok to not know the future. I'm ok to wait for our children to come. I'm ok with the concept that I have no control. That I have to surrender my desires and my timing to The Lord's plan. To have enough faith that it truly will all work out. It has taken me a long time to get here. But I'm here. Just trying to live my life in accordance with Heavenly Father. There are other things for me to focus on and live my life for right now. Everything else will fall into place. I've decided that serving others and trying to develop more talents will be my baby for now. There are so many people enduring unspeakable things. I have a lot of love to give to help. I also love music and am excited to focus and progress myself in that. This is my plan. To live and learn and leave the rest up to the Lord. I will continue to pray and hope for a family in the near future, but for now it's all ok.

Third failed IUI. Ouch. For some reason this one felt different. I felt such a strong peace and felt like I was carried through this round. I guess it must have been from all the prayers and fasts that were coming our way. Luckily I wasn't naive enough anymore during the "2 week wait" to think that good peaceful feelings mean this is over. It just means that the Lord is blessing me to have strength and peace to get through what I am facing. This failed attempt did hurt. Bad. I don't get it. How it happened so easily once, but now is such a challenge. For those who haven't gone through infertility, each failed cycle brings grieving. I didn't know you could grieve over something you've never had. But it truly is the deepest pain every month to learn your hopes and dreams are once again shattered. And even worse, out of your control. It is a very strong and vulnerable feeling. The one thing you so desperately want, you can't have. The heartbreak is great, and then you are required to immediately make decisions on the next game plan. Stress and heartbreak is not a fun mix. It is difficult to pick yourself up month after month. It's hard to think, how will I do this even one more time? This morning the thought came into my head, "Don't worry so much Jen, the Lord knows when this is best for you. Trust his timing. Trust in His love and His plan for you. This is in HIS hands, and those are VERY good hands to be in." It made me feel peace. I'm working really hard to have stronger faith in this. When you reach that dead end where you do not know how much longer you can continue, then watch this. My cousin shared this with me and it is so awesome!

Tammy shares

My sister's friend, whom I've never even met, wrote to me. Was it a coincidence that I received the email after walking out of a very humiliating IUI procedure? I think not. I was grateful for her words. For her compassion. And for her desire to help a woman in need, even if a stranger. She told me I could pass along her story and words of wisdom. I hope we can all make our very best efforts to apply her lessons into our lives. What a strong and amazing woman she is! She shares.....


My husband and I have struggled for years with infertility issues.  3 of which were in Provo - land of the babies (horrific).  It has been difficult, heart breaking, and many many tears have been shed over the problem.  When we moved to Arizona, I went straight to a fertility specialist who gave us the good news (HA!) that we had a 2% chance of getting pregnant on our own and our only real chance of pregnancy would be through IVF.  We saved our money and put some on credit and then tried our first IVF in December of 2007.  It was a very challenging experience as my ovaries got hyper stimulated and I was hospitalized for a week.  However, in the end by nothing short of a miracle I got pregnant with my daughter.  She just celebrated her 4th birthday yesterday.  Three years later after again saving every nickel and dime, we tried IVF again in April of 2010 and by another huge miracle got pregnant with our son, who just celebrated his first birthday on January 2nd.  You'd think with the option to choose delivery dates, I would have selected better times than 9 days apart and right after Christmas, huh? :) 

Anyway, we struggled for 5 long years and it was devastating.  Really really devastating.  I spent a lot of time on my knees and a lot of time in the temple asking Heavenly Father WHY.  I struggled with the concept of faith and challenged my own inner faith.  Because if I had "faith" that I could get pregnant, then WHY wasn't it happening?  There were some dark days.  It seemed that everyone around me was always pregnant and babies were everywhere taunting me.  After many years of soul searching I finally realized that I needed to have faith in Jesus Christ and his plan for me, not just in the outcomes that I so desperately wanted.  The single best lesson learned during the process, was learned from my Aunt Sharron.  She lost her husband to cancer while we were struggling with infertility.  She taught me a lesson that carried me through the rest of our trial (and through my life).  She told me that she survived his death by focusing on her current blessings and all the positive things she had in her life.  She had been dwelling on the blessings that were NOT hers and the blessings that seemingly everyone else had BUT her and she was spiraling downward.  When she realized the good things she had, she was able to pull through her husband's death and become a grateful person.  Aunt Sharron also taught me to stay actively busy with lots of good things.

I took her advice and started to think about all the good in my life.  I realized that I had a great job, a wonderful husband, a fantastic marriage, a great extended family who loves me, a comfortable place to live, etc... - I still have many friends that are still single and this concept helped me realize that I was blessed to have an eternal companion with which I can endure trials with.  My husband and I started to travel more and really enjoy the fact that we didn't have kids making trips more expensive and difficult.  We planned lots of activities with other friends, trained for races, performed together and most importantly attended and worked at the temple together.  Looking back, although horribly painful, I would not have traded those years for anything.  We were really able to strengthen our marriage and create a loving home and environment for our future children (plus have a lot of fun!!).

Did I still have "down" days?  Absolutely.  Did I still cry every time another sibling got pregnant with yet another baby?  Sure.  But most of the time I CHOSE not to think about the blessings that I did NOT have and focus on the ones that I DID.  In fact, even with two miracle babies, I still get depressed because I came from a large family and was really hoping for more than two children.  Seems silly, huh?  But, even now I get caught up in the "why me" cycle.

I know that Heavenly Father knows you and loves you.  And I know he has your best interest in mind.  Although these days may be dark, He is always there.

All my love and support,
Tammy