change of plans

Third failed IUI. Ouch. For some reason this one felt different. I felt such a strong peace and felt like I was carried through this round. I guess it must have been from all the prayers and fasts that were coming our way. Luckily I wasn't naive enough anymore during the "2 week wait" to think that good peaceful feelings mean this is over. It just means that the Lord is blessing me to have strength and peace to get through what I am facing. This failed attempt did hurt. Bad. I don't get it. How it happened so easily once, but now is such a challenge. For those who haven't gone through infertility, each failed cycle brings grieving. I didn't know you could grieve over something you've never had. But it truly is the deepest pain every month to learn your hopes and dreams are once again shattered. And even worse, out of your control. It is a very strong and vulnerable feeling. The one thing you so desperately want, you can't have. The heartbreak is great, and then you are required to immediately make decisions on the next game plan. Stress and heartbreak is not a fun mix. It is difficult to pick yourself up month after month. It's hard to think, how will I do this even one more time? This morning the thought came into my head, "Don't worry so much Jen, the Lord knows when this is best for you. Trust his timing. Trust in His love and His plan for you. This is in HIS hands, and those are VERY good hands to be in." It made me feel peace. I'm working really hard to have stronger faith in this. When you reach that dead end where you do not know how much longer you can continue, then watch this. My cousin shared this with me and it is so awesome!