Young Women

Today I'm grateful for my Young Women.

I know I've already said this in a past post, but I'm 1st counselor in the young women's presidency. I was worried to take this calling on, but it has been such a blessing. These young women really are saving me right now. I love these girls so much. I've gained such great relationships with them and admire them for who they are and the good people they are trying to be. They have so much temptation and trial among them, but yet they stay strong in their character. I feel so lucky to have this calling. I love teaching them and helping them to learn of their worth. They are amazing. I really am gaining more from them than they are from me. They always seem to text me the sweetest things on the most needed days. I love that. I never want any other calling. I am so attached! They help motivate me to stay strong. To stay active in this church. And to grow my testimony. I loved the young women's program when I was a youth and feel that it helped my life so much. It is such a great organization and is helping shape these girls lives.

Education

Today I am grateful for our Education.

Jordan and I were both able to attend college. It was very important to us to obtain a college education. Our college days hold such a strong place in our hearts. Starting with the first experiences of moving out, having roommates, and having some of the craziest most fun times of our single lives. And then progressing into our married life college days. Life was simple and we were so happy. We didn't have much, but we were content. We have been blessed with many opportunities of employment and have both really enjoyed our careers. Financial stability has been something we have been truly grateful to have achieved. Jordan and I are both pursuing master programs and are so lucky to do so. Education truly has opened up so many doors for us. I originally did not intend on wanting a career. My dream was to get my bachelor's and to be a stay at home mom. This still is a dream of mine, but my eyes and knowledge have increased so much these past couple of years. I am grateful for all that I have been able to learn. Knowledge is, after all, the only thing we will take with us from this life.

My Upbringing

Today I am grateful for my upbringing

I am so grateful for the childhood my parents provided. I have incredible parents that have taught me thee most valuable lessons to live a successful life. I currently work at a residential treatment center for troubled teens. These girls have so many issues due to bad parenting, unsafe environments, and trauma. It is so sad to see these girls suffer and struggle so much. They do not deserve that. It helps me to realize what a great home I came from. I am so lucky to have been taught how a strong marriage works, healthy coping skills, and my worth. I was able to grow and develop in a stable environment with everything I ever could have needed or asked for. My parents and siblings showed me how a loving family functions. My parents loved me enough to tell me no. To keep me away from trouble and things that would corrupt my life. I always knew I was loved. I always knew I was safe. I always knew that my future was bright. I am so grateful for these things as they have truly shaped the rest of my life.

The Gospel

Today I am grateful for the Gospel.

Truly I do not know how I would get through any heartache and pain without the knowledge and peace from the Gospel. It is true that at times the "natural man" in me wishes to be angry, to be bitter, and to rebel. Sometimes you just don't know where to direct your negative feelings at or where to point the reason for your pain. I know that is Satan working against me. I know that doing this only causes me to be that much more miserable. Whenever I am close to my Savior and Heavenly Father by consistently praying and attending church, miraculous things happen. I receive personal revelation and feel of Their love. I know that they weep with me. I know that They wish to help me through this if I only let them. I know that They want what is best for me. The Gospel truly has given me so much guidance and joy in this life. It is at times such great respite and relief. I recently was called to be 1st counselor in the Young Women's Presidency. I feel that these young women are saving me right now. I so enjoy seeing them at activities and teaching them each week. I get so much joy from them. I am grateful that Heavenly Father trusts me to work with his youth and that he loves me enough to receive the blessings that come from fulfilling callings. 

Thankful

I wish I would have started this sooner, but I want to focus each day on something I am thankful for. I am so incredibly blessed and have so much to be happy for. What better time to begin focusing on my blessings than the thanksgiving season? I truly believe that when we count our blessings and focus on the good, we can be so much happier even when there are deficits that we wish were different.

Today I am thankful for my husband.

Oh how grateful I am for him. I cannot even imagine going through life without him. He has shown me parts of him that I have been so impressed with these past few years. He is compassionate, understanding, and the best listener a girl could ever ask for. He always seems to see through my irrational behaviors and helps to get me back to being focused and positive. Even if we never have children, life with him is a pretty good life to live. Challenges can bring great strain onto marriages. I feel that Jordan is my priority and he always will be. I will never allow anything to cloud that. I love something that Jordan pointed out to me once. He told me that our marriage truly is the most important thing in this life. Children are extensions of this divine blessing, but the heart of it is the marriage. Marriage is the relationship that will get us into the Celestial Kingdom. Our children will be with their spouses. He pointed out that so often people get divorced and separated because of issues with their children and their families. Marriage should be the number one priority that both husband and wife should be actively working to nurture and better the relationship. 

Thrive

It hurts to think that it's already November. November was my due date. I don't allow myself to think where I should be right now. That doesn't help. I have to focus on today and the now. There is no point thinking otherwise. I just get sad. I am sort of feeling like "whatever" is my new motto. When I get another visit from aunt flow I just think "whatever". When I have late surprises I think "whatever". When I hear of another announcement I think "whatever". It is strange. It may be my coping mechanism right now. It may be me being so numb and exhausted that I just can't care anymore. I don't know. But it seems to be working. 

My goal for the past while has been to "thrive". I feel like the past three years have just floated past me. I feel like I've sacrificed every ounce of me for something that I just can't control. I honestly don't feel like I've truly lived. It feels like I've just tried to get through each day and that's about it. I'm DONE WITH THIS!!! No more. I can't stand living like this. I hate it. I hate this situation, but I JUST CAN'T CHANGE IT! It is what it is and I'm tired of it controlling my life. I'm tired of trying so hard and failing every time. I'm done. My new plan is to put this aside, and try to find something to allow me to thrive. At dinner last week, I looked my husband in the eyes and told him with so much emotional pain, "Jordan, I just need something". That was the only way to explain it. I need something. I need to work towards and progress at something that I can control. I need to feel fulfillment by something that is actually going my way. I have always known that I want to become a therapist, but just thought becoming a mother was more of a priority. Well since that isn't working out for me, I'm finally pulling the trigger. It feels AMAZING to finally pursue this dream. I applied for the master of social work program last night. I am so excited! I haven't felt like this in more than three years. It feels so good to be able to move forward with something for myself. I am very excited and know that this awful and painful trial we are going through is going to make me such a better therapist. I know that I will be able to touch a lot of lives. I cannot even wait to get started. Here I go, on my way to thriving. I can't control what life brings me, but I sure can control how I live my life. 

Taken away yet again

March 19th 2012
I'll never forget that day. We found out we were FINALLY pregnant! Tears of joy and gratitude streamed down my cheeks. I thanked my Heavenly Father for this miraculous blessing. We did it. We beat the monster of infertility. Pounds of heavy weight lifted off our shoulders. We were happy. Beyond description. Our baby was to be welcomed into this world November 26th. It couldn't come soon enough. We had been yearning and aching to have this child in our home. Now we were finally on our way. After years of heartbreak.

In one blurb of a moment this was all taken away from us again. Everything we worked so hard for. Everything we hoped and longed for. Gone. I still feel like this is a bad dream. Surely Heavenly Father would not do this to us again. Not after everything we've been through. We needed that little life more than words can say. Our hearts surely cannot handle this again and go down the road of uncertainty and having to start over. It is a very deep pain in our hearts. Very raw. Very very confusing. I thought it was finally our time. What else do we need to learn? Why must we suffer more in this area? These questions flood my mind. I'm sure we'll be ok. We have survived it before. I will pray my heart out to understand. To feel His hand in this. To feel His love. I really did not think this would happen. I really believed so strong in my heart that little life growing inside of me would make it into our arms. Thursday our baby was doing well with a strong heartbeat. Friday it was all gone. Today it all just hurts. One day at a time. Or else I get overwhelmed and scared of what more could be ahead.