Quotes

Two quotes written by me, a girl who has definitely been there!

"When it is the hardest to pray, is when you need to pray the most."

"Just because the desires of our hearts are being delayed, and our prayers are not being answered the way we wish, does NOT mean we are forgotten about."

My Road

Obviously I would love for this ride to be over for me. But when the road I'm on seems to turn into an even sharper, steeper turn, and I do not understand how much longer my vehicle can drive, I realize something. Every sharp, steep turn brings a new view. If I didn't drive through that steep up-rise, then I wouldn't have gained this new perspective. This is the road I'm supposed to be on. This is the road that will eventually drive me to an even better destination than I once thought. This is the road shaping me into a person I want to become. This road is tailored for me. Although sometimes I wish I could take a different road, perhaps a shortcut, but this road is the only way for me. I'm on my own road. Others roads around me may be shorter. More straightforward.. But mine is mine. It is unique. No one else's is the same route. Its OK for mine to be different. Because it is the road I am SUPPOSED to take. I know this road has lead me to many unexpected pitstops than I originally thought. But it WILL lead me to my destination. And I'll be better for surviving the ride.

Another Setback

I have been taking infertility medications for 10 months now. This includes clomid, estrogen, progesterone, and the hcg shots. Basically almost every day of my cycle, I'm taking something. My doctor has been incredibly aggressive (probably too much so). These pills are far from fun. I have noticed that I have constant ovulatory pains. Throughout my whole cycle. It feels like these pills are killing my body. Making it work too hard. Not to mention how irrational and hormonal they make you feel. Last month I couldn't get myself to take them. You are supposed to start clomid on day 3. Which means, you get your period, and its time to start. Jordan filled the prescription and brought it home. I just couldn't take them. My body was hurting all the time. I could not get myself to cram more down my throat. Especially when we've had no success from it. We've never taken a break. Not in the 2 years we've been trying. We always have a plan. But I couldn't. So we took the month off. No pills. No ultrasounds. No insemination. No tracking days. No doctor visits. I just couldn't. It was nice. But the problem is, there really is no such thing as a "break" with this. I still want it more than ever. I still thought about it constantly. Well this month, we changed it up a little. We met with a new Doctor, a Specialist at the University of Utah. She was brilliant. We felt good about her. She thought my current Doctor was a little much and wanted to do less, and switch from clomid to letrozole. When it was time to start taking the pill, I still had the same hesitancy.  I didn't want to. But I knew I had to try. So I made myself. Then I get a call from my doctor today saying that my blood test shows that I am not immune to Rubella, and that she wants me to get the vaccine and not try this month because I'll have the virus that the baby could get exposed to. What? Are you kidding me? How has no Doctor that I've seen (which is many) ever thought to test something that is supposed to be so important? How am I not immune? I guess the effects of the vaccine can wear off and you can become no longer immune and that it is pretty common. So basically now I've taken the pills that make me feel so terrible for no reason. Just for fun. And we can't try to move forward this month. This might sound like no big deal, but I just feel frustrated. I feel crushed. I can't handle all these constant and unexpected setbacks. Every month is precious to me. I feel mad that this wasn't done sooner. This should have been taken care of in the beginning. Not at this point in the game. I will try to remain positive, and try to enjoy the holidays, but oh how I hate these setbacks. If you haven't been tested for Rubella, do it now!! Not when you're getting ready and excited to do another insemination!

Patience

"Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can - working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf ~

Eternal Hope

One difficult thing for me is the mental battle this struggle brings. I can’t help but get my hopes up every month, especially when your doing so much to have success, but then find the “rejection” news to be unbearable. I did this for a long time. It is a rough emotional rollercoaster. Then I began to not want to get my hopes up at all because it hurt too bad when it was yet another no.  But the hope is what carries you through.  If you don’t have hope, then it’s like trying to run a marathon that you don’t think will ever end. I struggled with what to tell my mind. What to think with each month of trying.  What a good balance was. A very wise man, whom I’ve come to adore, told me great advice. He told me to have Eternal Hope. Don't have cheerleader hope, which is thinking “oh I hope it works THIS month, I hope THIS is our month!" (which is very hard not to do). But instead, have Eternal Hope. To think that someday, you will have a family. Someday, everything will work out. No matter what road it takes you to get there.  You will get your family. You will be blessed for persevering and sacrificing so much to achieve such a selfless thing. Something that your Heavenly Father wants for you as much as you do.  I know He is proud of you for wanting it so bad. For hurting so bad because you long for it. It is a very good thing to ache for. Try to have Eternal Hope. Try to stay focused on that. It is easy for that to get clouded, but your children will come. Whenever my period is near and I begin to sink down because I know it’s coming, I try to remain full of eternal hope. Maybe it’s not our month this month, but one of these months it will be our turn. We will get our family.


Have faith.